I Kan't Spell
I Ain't Foolin
That's it people. THAT'S FUCKING IT! Coachella or bust this year. I pussied out last year. But not this year man - I'm going -
What I think about when I listen to the following songs that I love:
Jesus the Mexican Boy: Iron and Wine - I think about a dirty young man. Not dirty as in nasty but dirty as in his face hasn't been washed. I think of him picking up a little boy and putting him in the back of his truck as they drive off down the road. The little boy is smiling as big as can be. He is smiling and the singer is driving mouthing the words to this song.
Hallelujah: Rufus Wainwright - I think of making love in the morning and wanting to just hold someone as I kiss down the side of their rib cage. I want to cry in their arms as I look into them. I think about not singing this song but letting the song sing us. I wish there was someone next to me to hold my hand and put their head on my shoulder. I want to dance to this song as it starts and then kiss very slowly but not the kind of kissing that leads to sex. The kind of kissing that preaches sex. The kind of kissing that lets you know that what you have is real and not tainted by anything.
Such Great Heights: The Postal Service - I imagine myself in an apartment dancing before a mirror. Gay right? Who cares and fuck you because if it wasn't for people like me you wouldn't even know that this song existed and if it wasn't for Doug I wouldn't have known. Anyway - I think about DC for some reason and I think about someone standing in the front of a bus driving down the road and he's singing to himself as he looks out the window at what is in front of him.
Let's Talk about Spaceships: Say Hi to Your Mom - I think about all the awkward conversation that I have had with girls. I think about how I just want love and how that love doesn't exist unless we can both learn to just shut the fuck up and watch CNN while enjoying facial expressions and the way our toe nails look. This song reminds that it's ok to be still and it's ok to look at the stars and not have to worry because I'm 25 and breathing and I have a good 10 years left before it all becomes dangerous.
Between the Bars: Elliott Smith - I think about leaving Turners at 3 am and standing in the street lighting a cigarette. I pull my coat tight to my neck and take a serious inhale as I see you cross the street in front of me. I see you and I don't look anywhere but down. I shake my head and walk up the street. You put your car in park and come up to give me a kiss on the cheek and say "Thank You" and then go back to your car without anything else.
The Lengths: The Black Keys - I think about sitting in my room and smoking cigarettes with my feet up on my desk. I think about how many mistakes I have made and how they don't matter anymore because I never lied about me. I never lied about my feelings. I never shortchanged any one. I have used people. I have lied. But if you are smart and you understand what honesty is you know that when it comes from me it comes with no apologies and all the time like a river.
Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime : Beck - I think about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and my meat sauce. I think about how I had shot to win someone over that I loved and blew it because I couldn't get over my own righteousness that love is love and anything less or traded or borrowed is just bullshit. Well it's not like that and love, for a man, is making a person know exactly where you stand and fighting for that person. Because like it or not, all girls want someone to fight for them. They want someone to lay down their life for them and if you can't even win them over on a date than you have little chance of winning them over in life. I learned from that.
The Beer : Kimya Dawson - I picture Kimya standing in a living room singing this song. I picture myself singing along with her and I love everything about it as we laugh and giggle the entire way through the song. I fall in love with her and the song and the house and the floor and the taste in my mouth because everything is jsut perfect. Everything about singing this song with her would be perfect because I know every word and it's fast and it's poignant and it's funny.
Airport - At the Airport
You can walk along in the airport and experience beauty. An airport is a forced habitat that constitutes that the rich have to walk with the poor. The plane itself can delineate you into sections but the airport is nothing but retail. The airport is nothing but mediocre. Queen Elizabeth arrives at BWI just like I do. George Clooney takes a piss in the same urinal as me.
The airport is also a hot breed for really hot women. I walk through airports biting my knuckles repeatedly. The jeans that ride a little too low because they just got off the plane. The college girls with the low riding sweat pants traveling in packs like a pride looking for a male lion.
It is also one of the only places where you can sit in public and watch a movie and not blink an eye about it. You can pull up with "Big Fish" while sitting in really uncomfortable leather chairs and no one will look in your direction. The airport is the purgatory of America. We all meet there at some point on our wayward passage home.
An airport, despite eutopic surroundings and a heavenly egalitarian environment, does need one thing. It nee\ds a fighting pit. It needs a place where you take the airport phonies to have the shit kicked out of them by either yourself or by Rungonamis the Airport ass kicker extraordinaire. You can call out the 22 year old sales professional in his pink shirt with purple striped tie. You can take his Black Berry remote control missile launcher and break it over his head which has it's correctly suitable 8 months too late for cool messed hair.
I mean I sit here listening to Mr Brightside and you know what I think about as I pound down Glennfiddich and waters? I sit here and I wish Jas was next to me. I wish I was making her smile and she was laughing at me because I was a goofball typing away and swaying back and forth and mouthing the words to the song that currently really reminds me of her. But all I have to do to get over that temporary anxiety is remember who I am and where I am going in life. I'm going to the stars or hell. I'm going to win or I'm going to lose bigger than anyone you've ever seen. It's coming and I know it and I welcome it.
I sit here and scream out at the universe "Come and fucking get me! I'm more than ready for anything you've got to give me. You took my father. You took my love. You afflicted me with me and now it's time for you to come up at me and man up as though we are playing the same game. I know the rules now! I KNOW THE RULES NOW! I am ready to receive your next move and I say to that move "What a fucking mistake to underestimate to me. How dare you play me short as though you already have this in the bag"
I am lord sitting here. Everyone else is eating cheeseburgers and trying to look important as they make eye contact while on their phones. "Yeah I said sell at 22". 'Of course you need to have that on my desk by Monday." Etc... All bullshit. All posturing. All airport life. All a struggle. In this place where we all are in the same waiting line and we are all in the same bar drinking, why choose to segregate to yourself. Why not choose to run up to me and give me a hug and buy me a drink the same I would to you if you weren't wearing a purple fucking tie and pink shrit.
I call your 100
1. I have night sweats.
2. I once pooped in the ocean and threw it on a kid who knocked over my sandcastle.
3. My mother and I would take vacations without my father when I was little.
4. My job requires that I travel half of the year.
5. I can speak Korean pretty well.
6. I didn't know the Rolling Stones song "Angie" was Angie. I used to always sing "Angel".
7. I played an entire soccer game on a broken foot when I was 11.
8. The first real curve ball I ever saw, I ducked under it and it hit me in the face.
9. I have had the following nicknames : chronological (Blue, Nootz, Nuh uh, Tic Turd, Pumpkin Head, Cabbage Patch, Chubby Cheeks, Flat Face, Holmesy, Sherlock, White Lightning, Bert, Treb, Bart, Terb, Peanut Butter, Boone, ODBret, Stump, Smoketastic, Tastic, Licious, Scharf)
10. I once bit a kid in the faec because it was the only way I could win the fight.
11. I have never had acne or zits.
12. The worst injury I ever had was tearing my rotator cuff, because it makes you think you can still play but in actuality you can't.
13. Most of my friends are people I have played sports with.
14. I believe you trust and love the people you knew in innocence and you learn from, grow with, and challenge the people you meet as you get older.
15. My favorite sandwich is the ultimate Grilled Cheese (two pieces of Texas toast, 4 cheese: provolone, Swiss, American, cheddar, ham, bacon, onions, tomato, *green peppers/Texas Pete optional)
16. I once stole an Opus stuffed animal from the world trade center when I was 8. My Mom didn't make me take it back.
17. I used to open up my xmas presents and play with them before xmas.
18. I would not eat lunch for an entire week at middle school just so I could save enough money to buy a medium pepperoni pizza from domino's on Friday afternoons.
19. I wear a size 10 shoe.
20. I wear a size 7 1/8 hat.
21. I don't like other people's lists that turn into gospels about stuff that they feel or whatever - I like lists about shit that happened.
22. The best feeling I ever had was throwing out a runner at home from deep center field in a tie ball game at Camden yards in a state high school all star game. There was only 2 outs after that so I got to see the whole crowd stand and cheer. My grandfather was there. He had never seen me play baseball before.
23. I never "wanted the ball".
24. The ball always seemed to come to me though and somehow I managed to be ok.
25. I used to wear my baseball uniform to school in middle school because we had button down uniforms that had stitched on numbers.
26. Baltimore is a very small town. Most of my friends that live here seem to know everyone in some way or another.
27. Bartenders I know (Billy, Six, Tols, Yana, Chirstina, Heather, Tori, Danny, Danny, Danny, Mini, Craig, Jason, J, Jeremy, Fest, Watts, Pam, Sarah, Diane, Jamie, Jamie) That's awful.
28. My favorite drink is a Glenlivet 18 neat. 29. My second favorite drink is a Glenlivet on the rocks.
30. My standard go to drink is a Jameson and water.
31. My "Bret is in a bad fuckin mood" drink is 3 shots, bud bottle, and a Jameson and water.
32. I take my passport with me every where I go because you don't get moved to the clothes removal line as much.
33. I would like to live in California but I can't see myself wanting to leave Baltimore.
34. I'm looking forward to Oliver moving back to the are during the summer.
35. I'm looking forward to reading Tim's book, making notes, and then arguing about it.
36. I'm gonna kick Doug in the nuts when I see him because him and I are lazy.
37. No, I will never be in a band. But I would make a solid light guy, and consultant.
38. An album that I would vouch for that no one owns or even knows exists is Teenage Fanclub's Badndwagonesque.
39. I just want a girlfriend I can go record shopping with and makes me laugh (good luck).
40. Very few people can make me laugh.
41. Actually no one can make me laugh; well Mike and Watts can because we have an equal level of making fun of each other.
42. I have spit out more drinks laughing being with those two than anyone I have ever met.
43. I don't like to read James Joyce. Then again I don't like going to the doctor either. Both are good for you.
44. I don't believe in medicine.
45. I'll eat raw fish but not if it's rolled in rice and seaweed.
46. I have never had a good birthday.
47. I have never had a good Christmas.
48. Growing up my family life was very awkward. It's not that it was bad, it was just extremely strange at times. My mother was a classic 8 and my father was well...me. That poor woman.
49. My biggest fear next to death is becoming my father.
50. My realization is that that is soooo happening.
51. I would like to have children and a wife but feel that I am far too screwed up to ever attempt that.
52. I think people who clip coupons should be shot in the face.
53. I think people that spend more than a split second making up their mind on purchasing clothes or furniture should also be shot in the face.
54. I find men who wear cheap designer clothing (banana republic, ab +fitch, american eagle) to be boring, lazy, and someone who unless I already know them I would not want to know. What you choose to assimilate says enough for me.
55. I am still very awkward around groups of people.
56. I don't like Thai food.
57. I like Korean food a lot mainly for the memories.
58. I want someone to eat Korean food with.
59. I own 7 watches. Why?
60. This is how I like to read: I pick a book that seems interesting. I read the biography of the author (if possible - good luck finding a Kundera bio), I read a little about the history surrounding the place and time the book was written. Then I read the book.
61. I want to start watching more risque movies.
62. I want to have a dinner and movie date that does not involve singing Otis Redding, ordering drinks, talking about ex-loves, or compliments of any kind.
63. I wish when I said that I don't want to go out that people would not only believe but respect it.
64. When I walk into a bar I immediately look around for any signs of friction, I.e. guys who I may want to fight or have fought, girls I have slept with, dorks I don't want to see.
65. I kiss people all the time when I'm drunk. And I am that guy who says shit like, "I love you. No no no I really do."
66. My father slept naked throughout my entire life and it weirds me out to this day.
67. I used to hear my parents having sex and would get really freaked out by it.
68. I believe whole heartedly that poor people have better sex.
69. I don't believe in karma or destiny or heaven or an afterlife.
70. I think the bible is a good story that was brought into play in the middle ages to control people.
71. I don't believe in Buddha, yoga, Elvis, the United States, the Bill of Rights, or malls.
72. Every time I have ever felt bad all I have to do is be around girls and I feel very alive.
73. My style of flirting is direct and abrasive. It doesn't work too much.
74. I wish I had bigger hands so people wouldn't assume so much.
75. I used to love the Dukes of Hazard, MacGyver**, and Alf.
** Holy shit it spell checked MacGyver for me
Only in Dreams
I've had dreams the past couple nights. I keep having awful dreams again. Dreams that make me wretch where I sleep. I sit there when I wake up and I light a cigarette and shake while holding my knees. I usually end up walking around and punching walls and not wanting to go back to sleep because I would rather be tired then fucked in the head.
I'm not a big fan of my dreams and I never have been. I guess they aren't dreams then - I guess they are sort of like nightmares only they aren't violent or scary they are just annoying flashbacks of things that I have messed up.
My dreams are always sort of in the past. It's as though everything I want to happen comes to present and then I fail at it. It's my brain telling me to let go. It's my brain just saying move on because I'm wrong and the things I want to happen aren't supposed to happen and to keep torturing myself is fucked up beyond belief.
I'm not sad.
I'm telling you about my dreams.
I had about 5 last night. The worst dream was that I was sent back in time. God granted a wish and sent me back in time to meet Mirel. I knew everything about her but she didn't know me at all. It was that first day of class when she walked in late and sat down next to me. I came clean with her and told her everything I knew about her. She got freaked and ran away and assumed I was a stalker. The weird part is that I didn't chase after her. I just sort of gave up and said, "We can be rich. I know who will every football game for the next 7 years." There was more to it but I don't quite remember it all. There was another dream about Jas and another one about my Uncle and I fishing and using my Dad as bait.
Anyway - I don't really like my dreams too much. I wish I would just go back to my standard dream of drowning while fighting alligators. I never woke up and smoked a cigarette to those.
BTW - it's very likely I'll be snowed in here.
I see your 81 and raise you.
I think I could do these forever. Why? Hell, I never get tired of talking about me. I'm the most interesting thing in my life.
1. I have had over 200 stitches and 15 broken bones in my body.
2. I have easily EASILY lost as many fights as I have won.
3. My first fight was with Mitch Bowers when I was 11. It was over this girl..umm..Jamie Cree and everyone loved Mitch and hated me. The odds in Band Class were at least 2 to 1 against me. Little did they know that fat kids who played athletics could whip the shit out of nerdy punk skate boarders?
4. I was a massive klepto when I was in high school.
5. I have a fake tooth. It was knocked out because I was hanging from a lacrosse goal and picker my feet up. The back end swung up and smoked me right in the teeth.
6. I almost died when I was 12 because my temple swelled to the size of a tennis ball. (yet another lost fight - hey I was on a role)
7. My uncle was my favorite family member because he was most the most fun (he had a bathroom decorated with porn - what 9 year old doesn't love porn?)
8. I am a mutt by nature but these are my nationalities in order of predominance (German, English, Irish, Italian, American Indian - yeah I know)
9. I didn't start being cool until after I lost my first girlfriend. Dating strippers gives you some sort of mental legitimacy.
10. I bruise very easily.
11. When I drink I tend to exude a smell that faintly resembles Taco Bell
12. I think about sex at least 50 times a day.
13. Every man, no matter who he is, at some point, in some way, has thought about what it would be like to have sex with every woman that they see. i think women do the same.
14. I like to watch golf on TV in the summer with the air conditioner on full blast.
15. I can't sleep if I think about sleeping.
16. I take a nap every day.
17. My biggest fear when it comes to dying is burning to death or being in a position of helplessness like having to dodge a shark.
18. I would however like to die because of a dare.
19. The older I get the more I want to fight. I feel very alive when I fight.
20. I don't like having sex as much as I think I do. Mainly because I don't think I'm very good at it.
21. That took a few minutes to write and reword but then I finally just said "fuck it".
22. I would hang out with Doug, Tim and Mike every night if I could. And I don't really think I would get tired of it - they would get reaaaaaalll tired of me though. I'm the annoying one of the group. I bring color! lol
23. When I was little I would show my Mom my poop if it was really big.
24. I would also lather up my entire body with soap, get out of the bathtub, run into my Moms bedroom and show her that I was not completely lathered and could rinse.
25. I used to have dandruff so bad when I was 11 because of my over excessive use of the product LA Looks.
26. My mother sacrificed her entire life to give me a better one.
27. I once kicked a cop in the chest and did not go to jail. Thanks Zorn!
28. I once broke a kid's eye socket with a punch. He went into some sort of seizure and I don't think I was ever more scared in my life.
29. My friends are going to hate me when I disappear in about a year.
30. I am going to be really good at Tennis again.
31. I have very soft feet.
32. Girls in my middle school with show me their private parts. I still don't know why.
33. I did not go to one dance in High School. Not even my prom.
34. Playing high level competitive baseball has been the best thing that ever happened to me.
35. I used to have a rat tail that was fully encourage by my mother.
36. This was my haircut for 15 years "1 faded into a 2 on the sides and short enough on the top so I can just barely comb it over." I must have said that hundreds of times.
37. That all changed when one day Mike Oliver said, "Nah man. You gotta let it keep growing." I did, and I’m glad I got to bond with my hair before it started to fall out.
38. I used to masturbate all the time to Gina from Martin and the Mom from Home Improvement.
39. I have not spoken to my father in almost 9 months.
40. I avoid people's phone calls like the plague, including my own mother. If I see you, I see you. If not, don't worry about it.
41. I have a problem saying "no".
42. If I had 3 wishes they would be: 1) 50 billion dollars 2) A 10 inch penis 3) For all of my friends that I love (and the genie will know who they are) to have 3 wishes as well. I figured someone will take care of world peace or whatever.
43. My blog has changed my life.
44. I still have not wrote about Mandy's present because I don't know what to write.
45. When I was 5 I went to sea world on my birthday and was told to come down to feed the dolphins. I peed my pants, cried, and ran back to my seat.
46. I was once quoted in the Baltimore Sun as saying, "They didn't have shit on us today." Thanks Lem.
47. I don't like hotel rooms. But I really like hotel bars.
48. I have been blessed with good teeth.
49. I think 50 cents' new Vitamin Water drink is fuckin great.
50. My favorite choice of any candy is always the blue one, followed close by clear and then distantly by orange.
51. I don't have a favorite color.
52. I don't like old people who aren't active.
53. I don't like people who talk about grown up things that won't change the world one little bit.
54. I am good at math and logic.
55. I am not good at writing well thought out ideas.
56. You can always tell when I am making up a story or embellishing because the story tends to suck or fadeeeeee off.
57. I just pissed Jas off by not talking on the phone.
58. I constantly shake my leg all day long and am a jitter bug all the time.
59. I am extremely jumpy. If you call my name and I don't know you are there I will jump out of my chair.
60. I stick my tongue out of my mouth when I concentrate.
61. I am never buying anyone a birthday\xmas\valentine's day present again. Except for my Mom and my future wife and I guess my kids.
62. I hate holidays. Except for St Patrick's day and all the other pointless days that we have so we can get off of work or school. But Xmas, Easter, Birthdays, I could care less about - oh especially Halloween. I despise Halloween.
63. I would like to talk to Tim, Mike, and Doug more. But they never say anything. lol. Probably because they at least partially try to mean what they say where as I'll flip flop on something in a hot second just because I'm bored with it.
63a. These lists tend to be less about someone than they are just lists about stuff in general.
64. I don't know if I have an accent or not. I'd like to think I sound like Tom Arnold.
65. I used to have a huge collection of GI Joe when I was little.
66. My baseball card collection could have been much better but I'll be damned if I didn't make it as good as it could have been.
67. I am really good at making people cry, laugh, and angry. I am not good at making them feel good.
68. I'm distracted right now by furball. I can't focus on this anymore. Don't worry there will be another one soon.
I scratched my nose and thought about how the wind is sometimes taken up and over my head in an undulating arching fashion. It's as if I could see it in translucent light. I would see the arch. Then I would say that I see God's math. Oh God's math. How beautiful a course that must be to take in heaven. The line must swing around the corner. The tag would read
Because it is all math. The way I love music is an equation. The way you smell after coitus is an equation. The idea of my knees shaking and the cards coming in a certain way to hit a full house is all magic math. Magical math that we don't understand. With my finger scratching my nose again I can see the prisms created by the light of the world of the math of God in front of you and all around me.
It's fucking cold here. Milwaukee is a lot like Baltimore. Umm..this place is weird. It's like 1964 threw up. It's cold. It's cold. It's cold. I did get a big stupid Escolade for my driving/cruising and pickin up midwestern chicks pleasure tour or dairy country.
Weekend was rather awful as always. Next weekend - oh yeah - next weekend I'm being productive. Next weekend I'm not boozin. I'm not doing anything except going to Atlantic City. That's right. I've made up my mind and I'm going to gamble and hang out and where sun glasses in doors.
I have an Internet connection in my room but I'll probably be out this week procurring Schlits, Blatz, and PBR memoribilia.
I Wrote This on a Couple Napkins
Would she be proud of me? Is she somewhere feeling that I want to make decisions that will make her proud of me? Does she know that I want to look at me the way she once did? No.
Does it matter anymore? Absolutely. I want to be golden again. I want to be someone she would be proud to hold hands with. I don't want to be some lush that only comes out and is enjoyable when he drinks or buys or brags.
I want to be someone she would like to introduce at a family party. "This is Bret." And even before my name is let out a hushed breath in is felt and a prelude to my arrival has been wonderful things said about me. I would like to walk into that party and be engaging. I want to be able to make people laugh and feel comfortable. I don't want people to assume I will embarrass them. I'm so tired of being an excuse. I'm so tired of being nothing more than a punch line that ends with a whimper and a sigh.
I'll never see her again. I know that. I'll never see either of them again. I don't mind that so much anymore. It's the way it's supposed to be and it's the way I have made it. But every time I pass a window and look at my gaunt sunk in face or my circled eyes I like to imagine that someone is on my arm with their head on my shoulders and I am shielding them from the world. I would like to believe that I am held accountable for someone else's love and I am entrusted to be a good man. I'm not held to any standard though. I'm free to do whatever I want. And what I want is to be golden again.
Bret Go Bye Bye
I will be in Milwaukee next week for the duration of the week. Yay! Mil...w..aukee...oh man. Yeah I'm pumped. So, I may not get to post because I don't know if my fabu Courtyard at the Marriott will have anything more than a Beast Lite tap and a sleeping bag in many room. Just kidding residents of Milwaukee but honestly...not my first choice of places to go in fucking JANUARY!
Til we type again - Scharf
It's Saturday Morning
I walked out of my house today with gloves a scarf and my big blue pecoat. I was all bundled as if to tackle some arctic realm full of polar bears and penguins doing cute tricks.
I began my usual Saturday morning crawl towards work. The difference was that this wasn't a crawl. This jaunt was enjoyable. I had refrained from libations the night prior and found myself with a lease on the morning that I had not been able to enjoy for quite sometime. My eyes were daritng instead of lagging. My chin was up instead of down and my stomach searched for food instead of hiding from it. It was almost an hour after it had started to snow.
The snow was coming down sideways. The enjoyable snow had passed and it was now into mid morning windy snow period. I had forgotten my hat but the gloves were a nice addition. A homeless man asked me for 20 cents. As if 20 cents were the magical number that all the homeless men in Baltimore had decided on today. I thought about digging into my pockets with gloves on and how difficult it would be not to fumble the wad of twenties and then sort through for a single. We would then catch an awkward glance as 20 dollar bills were flying all over the street. I instead gave a kind but curt, "I'm sorry sir, but not right now." I felt awful knowing that it was snowing and that his plea for 20 cents was more than I could be bothered for.
I got to Key Highway. This is the dividing line between my walk to work. The neighborhoods and the cars fade away. It is just me, the harbor, the seagulls, the pigeons, the joggers, the stroller pushers with ski lift jackets, and the homeless people huddling and wondering to keep warm from here on in. It is the best part of my walk. I feel almost aristocratic and lucky that I get to walk by this mid-Atlantic treasure every morning. It's as if I got to stroll past the Washington Monument and through the Mall to work every morning. I never get tired of this half-mile.
The harbor was freezing over. The ice had made it's way out to the Clipper ship bows. There were no ice sickles yet hanging from the port holes or anchor pull hole, but you could feel them coming. The ice would not support anything more than a duck and since ducks can float I had my suspicions about that as well. The seagulls confirmed my suspicions, as they would rather perch than float. Not having the fatty underbelly of a duck their jaunts to the sea are for food and not for leisure. No seagull stood on the ice.
The trash could be seen collected under the ice. I loathe the trash in the harbor. I thought maybe if they gave the homeless people poles with nets and paid them minimum wage they could set up stations around the harbor for them to fish out trash. They could give them uniforms and a tiny little office next to that laughable police headquarters. Then I remembered that the homeless in this town aren't that kind of homeless. They would just as soon make 60 dollars a day begging as try to work a job that they would within a week not be able to commit to anymore.
I could smell the diesel being pumped into the Bay Lady as I hit the half mark of my walk through the harbor court. I looked out a two men cleaning the deck and waiters inside setting the tables for the customers that wouldn't come. The Aquarium and corporate eateries in the backdrop almost gave the sense of security. I turned and saw a man peeing on the Maryland's Pride Ben and Jerry's stand. He stopped as I walked by. I remembered where I was.
The Visitor center had the heat on full blast. There were water droplets running down the side of the all glass enclosement. I had never seen anyone in that building but felt proud that my tax dollars were keeping a symbol of sheer pointlessness well heated and it's confines only available to what seemed to be tourists.
I hit the foot of the pavilion/mall/tourist trap and heard Bob Marley from the speakers at Capitol City Brewing Company. I laughed ironically as the snow now felt like ice hitting me in the ear and my hair was frozen atop my head. M&S grill was already cooking something with cheese and onions as I waddled passed the Santa Hut that had yet to be dismantled but held all it's own extremities within it's glass walls. Inside there were balls of lights, trees, big red candy canes and Santa's throne (what else could it be but a throne) all decked out with power tools and bundled electrical strips.
Pratt Street welcomed me with it's usual nonsense turn signal making Light st. St. Paul st. and yet still Light st. for another 20 feet of merge. The sight impaired voice monitor that allows for safer street crossing confused even me when I entered the inner section. "The walk sign to cross Light St. is on." I always thought that it was the sign to cross Pratt St. I'm still pretty sure that I am correct.
My work is a few hundred yards from this point but I have to make an effort to dodge the sewer hole of death. It is the only sewer hole in Baltimore that reminds me of Korea. It must have the Grand Marquee Hotel sewage run from underneath it because the wretchedness that steams from within it is overwhelming. Horribly enough, no other sewer hole in Baltimore is more stood over.
I hit the door to my building. My friendly worthless security guards kindly ask me what I'll be bringing into the building today and I as always explain that I'll be brinn aging in nothing but my person. I once joked about this and said, "Oh...and this gun and bomb." They didn't take kindly to that so now we keep it professional. We exchange our standard sad Saturday smirk and I fill out the sign-in sheet and show ID; a formality I never grow tired of. I love showing my ID when I go to work because I feel important.
I enter into my office via the 3 keys cards and magnetically locked doors. I check my mailbox; empty. I check the office; empty. I head to our Avalon Fresh Brewed coffee machine and hit the "hot chocolate" button.
I think about the city that I love and how I want to own it. I want to own it all and invite people to play in it. I think about the people that live here and how little they know and ever will know about who runs the town and why and where to go to make things happen. I think about the homeless men asking me for 20 cents and how I would have helped them sneak into the Visitor Center of Baltimore to urinate there as opposed to the ice cream stand. I think about all this and then I start to write this post.
My Nightmare (as in mine) sung by The Killers
I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside
Two if By Sea - This Will Hurt Someone MP3
Actually it's an mpeg but more people will search for mp3. Anyhow, for those of you who actually care about the music I recommend - and all I'm trying to do is help people - this is my favorite Baltimore/Maryland band. I have vouched for them on numerous occasions and this song is one of their best. It's also a video. Yes Doug it's the "tightening" song.
This Will Hurt Someone - Two if By Sea
Dresden Dolls - Coin Operated Boy MP3
I love this song. It has a nice not-so-much to think about motif. And it's what I envision all girls getting dressed to. As they dance in their sweatpants putting on earrings - - - hmm
An Entry For a Budlight Commercial
Found this on an away message and wish I would have wrote it.
Today we salute you, mr. constant collar popper upper. you, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold back of the neck. sure, your pink alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not to the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. you preach of a world where it's ok for a man to go tanning. you ask, "why can't we wear make up, and use shampoo with lavender essence?" so crack open an ice-cold bud light, mr. abercrombie (or is it fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you might have one... in your man purse.
Best of Bret Volume 1
Since most of my stuff on here isn't research related like Tim. Most of it, besides the whiney girl crap, is sarcastic and kinda funny, and if not - you can kiss my ass. I figured for my latest tuned in viewers (umm both of them) I would bring some of the Best of Bret that you may not have had a chance to see. I'll do about one a week -
Issue 1 - Bret's Death Metal Report November 11th 2003
Here is a brand of music I have never listened to. My main vein of music is usually Brit Pop with some Indie stuff. So we'll see how it goes.
1. Ok So we are listening to Anal Cunt's - "I sent Concentration Camp Footage to America's Funniest Home Videos". And Play:
Wow that sure is a ton of energy. He seems to really be yelling loud into the mike. I didn't understand one word. The title was obviously backed up by the pain in his lyrics. I mean he must be a pretty lonely guy, with good access to Hollywood to procure Holocaust tapes, and then to know Bob Sagat personally well that's just cool. I give that song a score of...umm...no stars...
2. Next we go to Autopsy Torment's - "Only Pleasure in Life...Death". And Play:
Nice baseline. They must have practiced that while grading cheese at a local Pizza Hut. An interesting voice. He may want to lay off the smokes. It seems to be really affecting his ability to hit those high notes. I can't really understand the lyrics. Let's see what we got - "No it's not for the final day. Then we want to hear you say, "Fuck You". ", "Forward your pain and regrets...hgfjkasdhdjlkfhjd hfjkdhsjkfsdj hfjkls". So yeah it was deep stuff. I was really expecting angrier emotion. This is kind of weak. This must be one of those sissy death metal bands.
3. Ok next on tap is Dimmu Borgir's "Burn in Hell" - And Play:
Wow they sound like queen. If Freddie had his voice ripped out and replaced with a chainsaw. Well the opening was very queeny. Oh and they use synthesizers. Yet another angry band. At least I can understand their lyrics though. Here are some "WELCOME TO THE ABANDONED LAND. COME ON IN, CHILD; TAKE MY HAND HERE THERE'S NO WORK OR PLAY ONLY ONE BILL TO PAY AND FIVE WORDS TO DAY"...and those words would be "You're gonna burn in Hell". "Evil evil evil evil". Well you get the gist. Wow the back up singer is a real nancy boy. These guys aren't death metal. They could barely open for Danzig. I'm very disappointed. Actually now that I think about it this may be a Christian death metal band. They talk about "don't you think no evil. You're gonna burn in hell". That church is smart. They try to reach all demographics.
4. Ok so next we have another delightful group names Cannibal Corpse and they will be performing "Disposal of the body" And Play:
Wow these guys really need vocal lessons. I think I could play this music. Thrash baby thrash. Oh that's it. He's probably a premature ejaculator given the propensity for 2 minute tunes. I can't understand any of the lyrics. But I grow curious about the disposal process. So I will go to lyricdepot and find some stuff. "Carve the corpse - Dissect him in the tub Smash the teeth, slice off scars, crush the bones With a crowbar - scrape off all tattoos If you don't cut open the stomach The corpse will rise and float." Well thanks for the tips man. Ooh they have another song called "Fucked by a Knife" How lovely. This seems like a scene I may wanna check out sometimes soon.
5. Back to our friends Anal Cunt and "311 Sucks!" - And Play:
It seems as though they are the popular band these days that kids really like. What a nice album to have in the collection. Oh this is innovative. They are playing 311 and slurring the lyrics and they follow it up at the end with "You fuckin suck!". Original and poignant. They must consider themselves in the same genre to be attacking 311. I guess it's a good branding effort. What's next? Are they going to attack Dio?
6. Oh Wait I have heard of these guys. Pantera with "Death Trap" - And Play:
Well now this is metal. High pitched guitars and a womanly voice. It doesnt get any better than this right here. Now I know what inspires the t-shirts. I can totally see the reason why high school kids cut from JV hockey support this group. They really let you get the aggression out. This is a masterpiece to say the least. "Death Trap Death Trap Death Trap Death Trap" in unison with the drums. Original...what trend setters
7. Next up the band everyone used to know as Smiley Rainbows is now Amon Armoth with "Ride for Vengeance" - And Play:
Man after they lost their Barney gig they really took a revolutionary turn. Is there a book out there called Death Metal for Dummies because I'm not getting it? Do they all have the same producer and lyricist. They really aren't separating themselves enough from the scene for me to attribute their name to the music. What a shame, because in between the 3 minute guitar solos and Satan singing they really seem to have something to say.
8. Next we have Mortician with their version of Bob Dylan's unreleased track "Bone Crusher" - And Play:
Ok yet another unrecognizable voice pattern. Do they do that on purpose? I mean they seem to really be angry and have some stuff to say. Just don't not say it. Let me hear loud and clear so I can then laugh hysterically. So it's back to lyricdepot.com. Hold on here we go - "Sledgehammer, bash your skull. Head explodes, brains and bone. Swinging mace, cracks your face. Nose smashed in, teeth kicked in. Baseball bat, breaks your back. Cracked rib cage, shattered legs." I can see why Bob left that one on the shelf.
9. Next up we have At the Gates with their "Into the Dead Sky" - And Play:
A nice little acoustic guitar to open. This can't be death metal. He's playing Doe Ray Mi. Now this may be my kinda death metal band. Oh wait...wait...wait...the snake mouth singer just came out. He's getting ready to spit. Here it comes. He's holding me in suspense. Come on guy mumble really loud, apparently not. They seem to be an instrumental death metal band. I have to say it's the best I have heard so far. That must have been their ladies music.
10. Napalm Death is next with their classic hit "Necessary Evil" - And Play:
Chocj a jib chich a booy choga job booky a get hem EVIL EVIL EVIL herth beds greout truhg chewq frajk" Interesting lyrics. Deciphered that seems to be "A necessary evil ? Bargaining pleas. held at ransom ? our souls diseased. A necessary evil ? The dominant role. There's no escape ? You crossed the solitary line." Well another child who didn't really get the full McGruff the crime dog message.
And that's about all I can take for one night. Woo...that was intense...ill give them that. I feel like I need to take a bath and then go beat someone up.
Corporate America Games Bore Me
So much can be said by a CC in interoffice politics. So much can be said by a tone or a "Could you please review Pg. 109 of the manual and you will see that..." It's so damn depressing that people get offended and can't come back with humor. America as a culture is one of the more humorous cultures I have comes to know but when our strange protestant work ethic seems to rear it's head it's as though Stalin and Hitler both walked in at the same time to inspect the sticks that need to be up everyone's ass.
"Hi Ho Hi Ho it's off to the pretend I'm mediocre in my cool state of the art glass enclosed, all inclusive, what they call a "campus", cafeteria having, janitor/security staff, my son won't stop crying because his daddy has to work weekends...place of business"
The corporate environment is much like an elite High School. You have freshman (new comers) and seniors (lifers). You have jocks(sales) and nerds(tech). You have popular (local chirpy loser broad who just got married and won't shut up about it) and unpopular (mid 20's guy with angst that could split an atom).
People that taught you that high school politics don't matter are the same people that tell you "it's how you play the game and not whether you win or lose." Obviously, these are the people that lose. And I say "elite high school" because you can work next door to Kinko's or go to lunch at a restaurant and like it or not, the fact that you work in a high rise and wear a tie makes you think you are more important and damn cooler than they the people employed without those uniforms. And if you role your eyes at that then you are just lying to yourself. Because working for a corporation and having perks such as, oh I don't know, healthcare and dental plans, and bonuses and shit like that makes you that much more powerful in life. Like it or not, it's fucking true.
"The suit knows all."
I like where I work. I think the people around me are super intelligent and I respect them when I pull up with them one on one. It's when I see us all together and I see the phony smiles and awkward head nods that I get uneasy. You see I don't do that. I don't clap at someone leaving after 10 years of service unless I know them. You clap if you think they did a great job but personally if I have never worked with them or felt the fruits of their labor than I don't see a need to play the charade. I mean there are worse things in the world than being polite and obeying social customs. Obviously working in a lumberyard doesn't have as many perks. But if you compare the two then the corporation could learn more from the lumber yard than the lumberyard could learn from the corporation. But, what I'm saying is that if corporations just cut the bullshit and let people be the rogue naturally competitive surly people they are I think the productivity level would rise and resentment and problems would be much easier to fix. At least they would be fixed honestly as opposed to someone just having to hold their tongue and I think you would see people stay with companies longer and be proud of where they work. They would respect and defend their office as two fighting siblings would defend and respect each other. They do this because despite the fights and due to the open air atmosphere there is a level of truth.
"Johnson has been showing signs of rogue activity"
"Yes, we should move him to sector 3"
It always amazes me how people never lose their lame identities throughout life. It always shocks me to see how different someone is outside of work as opposed to how they are inside. Me, I am pretty much the same while I'm there or not. If we go out drinking after work I don't order a Miller Lite. I sit down and order a face melting double Jameson on the rocks just to pronounce that I'm not scared of anyone's labels. The tip toes that corporate cultures walk on make me sick. People slouch themselves into a straightjacket of mediocrity just to make sure they don't make anyone uncomfortable. And the worst part about that action is that this carries through to the rest of their life. They become defeated and emotionless. They stop having wild sex and seem to glaze over in front of the TV as opposed to going out with friends or laughing their face off on an adventure.
"And to the swoosh by which it stands one conglomerate..."
I guess the games and strategies and roles I see being played in corporation bore me so much because it wastes so much talent. These people that work in these places are usually highly accomplished, credible, abstract thinking, motivated people. What do most of them become after a while? They become shells without foresight and with muted hopes of stock market dreams and patio furniture Sundays. At one time they were ideal. There was an ideal in them and the system of BMW's and $400K houses took them under and made them forget what it was like when they ran the school and screwed all the pretty girls. If the shackles of the culture could be broken to exhume a level of natural aristocracy and innovation the corporation could be made into a team again or even a eutopic place where these talented people come to flourish and fight for their future pedigree every day. When this type of human capital is together it makes no sense to reign them into a bunch of cattle just there to stand in line and give milk.
Some Old Time Pics
My favorite girlfriend from Korea was easily Su Yeon.
My second favorite was Ju Yeon the one giving the standard korean camerea single; the peace sign.
Layla was my favorite little kid. She used to just cry and hug me all the time.
Gym Class - oh yeah - we partied
Korean kids rock much harded than American kids.
My favorite class.
So it's been over a year since I have been back from Korea and I swear not a day goes by that I don't think about returning. Anyway, I noticed that since I linked to that Korean story about the Playboys that some people have googled me and that those two blogs have referenced me and they have started to peak through my earlier posts about Korea. Even though I only started that blog in my last few months there I thought I would grab some highlights from it.
There are more but this post would have been huge - anyway - i had a great time there and most of it revolved around getting laid, getting drunk, and learning how to play with little kids and cute girls. What a year.
My Favorite Snow Moments
5. The great snow ramp of 90'. I was about 10 I guess and the ramp we made on the hill in my neighbors backyard measured at least 7 feet. It was my greatest creation to date. It was my wonder of the world. I instructed a small legion of 8 an 9 year olds to assist me in my ramp development. I made them go into the houses to bring out buckets of water so we could freeze - not only the ramp but the track leading to the ramp. The distant cleared had to be in the double digit feet range. And since we were on plastic saucers the ass to ground ratio for impact was high and hence brought many tears and cries of "Ohhhhhh".
4. I first knew I was a little psycho when I was 11. A kid made a snowball from a pipe exhaust and threw it at my face. The snowball hit me in the eyes and it burned. I couldn't see for about 5 minutes. I was really freaked out. Him and two other boys were standing around laughing at me. I grabbed a stick and stabbed the snow tosser in the leg repeatedly until the ground was covered in blood. He never told his Mom but I'll be damned if I didn't tell mine. I was so proud of myself.
3. The Barrington snowball fight of 94'. People came out of the woodwork for this one. There was 3 feet of snow on the ground and the neighborhood kids all aged 10-15 created huge bunker snow forts at opposite ends of an intersection. The fight went on for hours with designation of ranks and orders being shouted such as "Cover the left flank. CLOG THE MIDDLE! We have a breach on the right side sir." There were at least 30 kids involved and parents were outside taking pictures.
2. I used to go to my Grandfather's every Xmas for my entire school vacation. My uncle was really into 4-wheelers and snow mobiles and other stuff. They had this river raft that they would blow up with their industrial tire pressure air pump and they would tie it to the back of the 4-wheeler and I would ride that thing around the yard for hours. There would be snot all over my nose and my face would be so red. The only video of me as a kid is of me doing that and the interview afterwards. My Grandfather loves to break out that video every xmas.
1. "Protect the sphere colonel Willis" The ice storm of 95' was the greatest snowstorm of my life. Not only did it lay 14 inches of snow on the ground but then it rained at night and froze over top the snow in the morning. You could not walk up any slope and exams in high school were cancelled because we had off school for about 10 days. We trekked our way to Essex Community College every day to play basketball in the gym and outside on the courts. We had different rules for outside play on the ice. The rules were: you didn't have to dribble, all you have to do is hit the backboard, tackling was allowed. In the same storm Craig and I were caught in the middle of the hail storm on day 3 and we were passed by an ambulance. We were walking backwards down Franklin Square Blvd to not get our faces torn up by the ice. We tried to bum a rude from the ambo but they just rolled by laughing. We fell on the ground and did the same.
Snowing in Baltimore
My favorite weather condition is snow. Although, as you get older snow is longer as fun as it once was. I was driving the other day with my roommate John and he said, "It's supposed to snow all weekend I think." I said, "Fuckin awesome! I love the snow."
I didn't understand why I had said that. I wasn't going to go out and play in it. I wasn't going to build some kind of snowman or snow fort. I wasn't going to do anything in the snow. I was a little upset with myself that I couldn't enjoy snow anymore.
Anyway, I looked out the window a few seconds ago and saw that it was snowing. I always get a smile on my face when it snows. I especially like watching it snow from a high rise in the city.
A view of federal after a little snow.
My neighborhood in South Baltimore
English Spectrum Gate: Korea
Apparently there is a semi-demonstration/upheaval over American English teachers sucking at being teachers and doing bad things while in Korea. Hey - dipshits - word to the wise - if they didn't suck they would be working in their own countries. But seriously, foreign teachers do sometimes disrespect Korea. But, then again, Koreans are so anxious to find bad things about foreigners that everything gets blown way out of proportion. For example - some kids threw a party and the Korean girls had wet t-shirts = National FUCKING Headline / petitions - - lol
~~^^ - oh and you will see "Playboy" on their shirts - this is a bad work in Korea - many times you will hear a girl say things like, "Oh you playboy." When I say 'bad' I obviously mean - 'intriguingly ready to test the waters'.
A lot of people that go overseas have a lot of different views and different ways of living life. Most of the people that I find in other countries that teach English fit a whole bunch of stereotypes. They go from whiney, sappy, arty, broke tools to meathead, moron, broke, idiots. There is a huge gambit of people but the one thing we should all have in common is having a good time. I mean shit, the people that go over to a different country are from the age range 23-29 and those are fun years. I don't understand the reservations that some people have when it's time to enjoy yourself. Respect is one thing, obedience is another.
When I was in Korea I slept with as many Korean girls as possible. I'm not saying I went out and trapped them in and described to other people how to molest them but honestly, you have to be up front with Korean girls. You have to be up front and nice - - sick cute nice. Korean girls are not aggressive. They don't come up to you and ask to dance and they don't want to be embarrassed by their English. So you have to be outgoing and loud to an extent. Not angry loud but happy loud and they will usually feed off of you. Just remember that they are shy so singling them out is a bad idea. Often you will find yourself with 4 or 5 girls at one time. Trying to entertain them all. Impossible right? Yeah but you get the hang of it.
You have to pull out up front cute moves unless you just want a Korean girlfriend and then man you can be as nice as you want and eventually she might let you take off her socks while you have sex. But casual sex does not exist there like it does in America. It exists but you DO have to persuede them with attention and you DO have to be different. In America or Canada or whatever, you can be shy and still get girls. Girls are more outgoing and in the West and in order to avoid stereotypes will attach themselves to sincerity more than they will attach themselves to a raw physical attraction (sometimes - but either way you can just be you). But, in Korea, there is no sincerity. They automatically think everything you say is the truth so you might as well just get to the point and get sexual with them.
These guys in Korea, who I assume were English teachers and then started a club, threw a nice little raging party with wet t-shirts and other shit...
Now I don't know what the westerners over there are pissed about (i think it has to do with a rude joke about molesting students…yeah that's wrong but it was obviously a joke) but I was at these parties and this isn't the first time I've seen them. First off, there are bars where women will give you a hand job under the table for 5 bucks. And this is where Koreans go. I understand why Koreans are sad because they have that patriarchal insecure complex - it's really awful.
Koreans and you sappy bloggers who cry about other foreigners being loud and giving people a bad name need to look in the mirror. First off, Korean sex parties in other countries can get out of hand too and the fact that you are different makes you exciting and Korean people need to get over that and realize that we have our own customs and if you don't want your daughters participating in them with white people than you are extremely hypocritical. Because I'll be damned if the Russian whores in Korea don't get top dollar and I'll be damned if you don't covet the little white girl teachers that walk around your street.
And for the whiny ass bloggers who say that this is not a reflection of what real people come here to do. I've known guys like you and I've worked with guys like you. I wouldn't want your life in Korea for a millisecond. And you know what, I have taken guys like you out to clubs and once you've had a taste of what it's like to have a good time you will go back to that well more than once. Or you can stay in your room and read your bible and save your pathetic 500 dollars a month. I swear - you come to a foreign country - you are exotic, young, and healthy. You are going to party and what these guys did at the club was totally fine by my books. I wish I had been there.
Other people writing about it - some of them aren't as whiny but i'll let you figure it out.
Korea Life Blog - this guy wrote a couple books but I usually find him to be boring as hell. He does have a hot Korean girlfriend though - which is as about as difficult as having a really awesome cat.
Marmot's Hole - This guy is pretty unbiased and I like some of his views. Plus he has more links to more stuff concerning the story.
Story with Picture: The Night I Burned Philly Down
I (Scharf, Licious, Sponge Bob Square Head, Stump, Smoketastic, Bart, Bert, Treb...ahhh!) just found a way to upload all these pics again and I started noticing that my collection of pics have stories around them so I figured I would show the pics and tell the story.
Before I left for Korea in August of '03 we all decided to take a jaunt to Philly to see Michael. Michael (jenkfest, Mr. wonderful, festivus, mako, fat kid, hedgehog..)
Mr Wonderful. - Remember what shirt I'm wearing.
On the way up to Philly to hang out at the Bishop's Collar, or as I like to call it "O'shea's North", we stopped at a gas station. At the gas station I got out of Eric's (Wazz, Wazzle Wazz, Groves, Wicked Paws) new Land Rover and lit a cigarette. In the car were Blake (Corn, Flake, Mr. Miller), Ryan (Keeno Deano, 'the original' Smoke Tastic', Deano, Hokes) and Nick (Niles, Grease man, Shark, Mr. MBNA). When I got out of the car to light I heard a high pitched squeal.
Dean: "What the fuck are you doing?"
Me: "I'm splitting atoms. What the fuck does it like I'm doing. I'm having a smoke."
Nick: "You can't smoke at a gas station."
Me: "A cigarette cannot ignite gasoline. It's not hot enough."
** laughter inside the car ensued.
I was dumbfounded because I knew that a cigarette could not ignite gasoline. And I figured that was common knowledge.
The rest of the car ride up I had my balls busted:
"Hey Bret it's kind of hot in here. Why don't you light a cigarette and cool us down."
"Bret the air conditioner is broken. Why don't you smoke another one and freeze the car with that unhot cigarette."
To which I replied to each of them in a calm tone, "Go fuck yourself."
So we get to Philly and we are having a good time. I mean laughing fall over the place ordering shots and beer and Jamesons. We partied. Then a couple girls came over and I was pretty drunk at this point and I had learned a new trick a week before. You can light your finger on fire using (i think) 80 proof or more booze. So I ordered a shot of Grand Mangier and continued with my theatre. The waitress took notice and asked me to stop lighting myself on fire. Then the ribbing came back in, "Bret man you should put your finger out with a cigarette." "Whew it's hot in here. Light up a heater to cool us down."
So I got pissed.
I walked up the street to the gas station and bought a coke and poured it into the trash can. I then proceeded to pay for 30 cents worth of gas on pump #2. I filled up the coke bottle with gasoline and walked back down the street.
I walked into the bar and said, "Alright fuckos. Everyone outside. I'm gonna prove to you that a cigarette does not light gasoline. Let's go"
So I huddled everyone outside and poured the gasoline onto the sidewalk. I lit a cigarette and stood in the middle of the gasoline. I then dropped the lit cigarette into the puddle while standing in the middle and proceeded to watch it go out. I looked around and said, "See.." (got a little cocky) "...a match won't even light it."
WWHWHWHHHWHHHHROOOOOMOMMOMMOMROMOMOMMMM! FLAMES SOUND!!!!
I was engulfed in flames. I took off of my shirt and attempted to beat the flames out. My shoes were sticking to the ground as I moved and all the hair on my legs and arms were gone. I had my shirt off and I was beating the flames. From inside, Dean (who stayed in to talk to girls) said he could see the flames cover all the windows on that side of the bar and just saw me jumping around like a moron on fire. The waitress quickly threw him the tab and said "Get Out!!"
Keeno Deano in normal mode.
He came outside and I had run up the street as the owner's of houses and the bar across the street ran out yelling "Call 911! Call 911!" I had taken off shirtless, hairless, and melty shoed up the street. Wazzle ran after me and gave me his shirt and said that they would meet me up the street at another bar. On the way there Lauren (Blake's girlfriend) snapped a picture saying, "For the front page tomorrow"
I got a little jumpy.
I then wanted the shirt as a memento. So I went back and got it and posed with my fire retardant shirt.
The Night Bret Burned Philly Down
We then proceeded to the "Firehouse bar" (I shit you not.) to finish off our evening in style. It was a solid night and that story will never die.
Look at these Morons at the Firehouse: Wicked Paws in the back with his hand out. Blake standing in the white looking like he's posing for an LL Bean catalog. I am looking exceptionally short in the middle. 'The Original' Smoketastic is in the front trying to stand, Fest is on my right and yet to add 50 pounds, Niles is in back of him looking greasier than ever. Kudos to Lauren for snapping pictures that night. That's the night I taught her how to drink scotch. My girl....
"Mr. Bush, Hi Bret Holmes Baltimore 1414 Light St. Press. How would you like to address that you should explain to the American people why you were so wrong about weapons of mass destruction and the invasion of Iraq"
"Up your hole with a flag pole buddy."
He would so say, "Buddy" too.
The Most Homosexual Moment In My Life
My friend Craig and I love Oasis. It's like 4th of July and Christmas and a Birthday when Oasis come to America and we get tickets. It is especially spectacular when we go to the show in NYC. Why? Because we know where they hang out after the show. It's no real secret at this point, that the place we frequent is the place that Oasis go to after a show. I've seen the paparazzi a couple times. Last time in the bar it was rather crowded and it's not as though Craig and I are that cool to have an 'in' to private rock star party. Oddly enough the bar that we found on one freezing night in NY and the one bar we always go to while in NY, "The Irish Pub" (no really that's it's name - of course there are about 20 of those in the city good luck fidning it suckers - because I notice I get googled like a mother fucker for "Oasis in NYC after show party" and stuff like that) is the place where Oasis like to party after a show. The story of my most homosexual experience took place in this bar.
We had seen Liam there a bunch of times from previous tours but never Noel. Liam is fun and all and we talked to him a couple times but he's a fucking weirdo and considered by myself as "King of the Lads" but Noel is "King of the Kings" (I actually met Liam a while ago '00 at a concert that Mirel was working at as a runner. She got to drive Liam to his hotel (probably slept with him) and then drive him back. Liam loved her and when we were at the show she let us in early and allowed us to sit in the stands while she went and fucking fetched Liam to come and see us...seriously it was like watching a monkey tamer call her chimp 'come on Liam...come on...be a good boy' anyway...) Seeing Noel is both rare and extremely special. He's not as public as his brother and since his quotes, interviews, and song writing are what I love, seeing him that night was unreal.
Craig elbowed me and said, "Dude, don't drop your drink when you turn around." I looked and instinctively knew what he was saying, "No shit man. Really? Fuckin Noel is here." He replied "Not only is Noel here, but Gem, Andy and Alan are here and the fucking dudes from the lighting crew that we met last night. So hold on to your tits. It's gonna be a good night." We toasted and ordered a car bomb.
Craig and I that night
We giggled and looked around like two school girls who were at the cool people's party and were trying not to be noticed but in fact could not help ourselves when the star quarterback walked in. I felt this feeling and checked myself and tried to check Craig, "I'm not going over there man. I mean, I'll buy him a drink or whatever and say thank you but that's it. If you think I'm asking for an autograph or a picture you are out of your fuckin gord. I'm not anyone's bitch. He's a man just like me." Inside my heart fluttered and I watched him move throughout the bar.
10 minutes later I asked for a picture.
Noel turned me down for the picture. I bought Liam a pint of something and gave a thumbs up to Craig. (as you are reading this you are picturing how much of a dork I really am). Then I saw Gem Archer sitting by himself at a table that I was standing in front of having a conversation with some English people about Rugby vs. Football or some horseshit. I turned around and there's Gem looking at me and he motioned with his fingers for me to come down to his speaking level, "Mate, football is for pansies." I agreed, because well, he's Gem and I'm me and I wanted a damn picture. I asked him, "Mr. Archer do you think I could trouble you for a picture?" He said, "Absolutely mate." And so I had this big ridiculous smile on my face like Zeus himself had just given me a foot massage.
Gem and I - notice that smile - NO WAIT! Look at that fuckin hair! Yeah!
I thanked Gem for the picture and bought him a drink. I then saw Noel holding court, and as if the story wasn't already gay enough. It's about to get WAY MORE GAY! So he's sitting there and there is a lobby around him. People getting him this and slapping him on the shoulder for that and what have you. All I wanted to do, and seriously, this is what I told Craig, is to ask him one question. I wanted to ask him:
"Why in your cover of Neil Young's Hey Hey My My do you leave out the Johnny Rotten verse?"
So I moseyed over and nudged this girl aside and shook the Chief's hand and said (and I was smoked at this point), "Thank you so very much for bringing music that brought my friends and I closer together. We owe you so much." He actually looked at me like I wasn't from Mars and said, "That's what it's all about mate. Cheers. Buy more copies of Be Here Now will ya (the 3rd album that flopped like a hot bag of shit)" So he heard me. He heard my question, digested it and then spit back something that concluded that he had thought about for any number of nanoseconds. But then I got greedy and asked my question, "Why in your cover of Neil Young's Hey Hey My My do you leave out the Johnny Rotten verse?" He looked me in the eye and said, "Because the fuckers still alive and he's a cunt." I laughed, but it wasn't funny.
I was taken back. It was exactly what I expected and I thought for a second that Noel and I were developing a repoir. I thought for a second that I may be able to pull up a stool and hang out. I thought for a hot moment that I had reached him like no other fan. I was naive enough to think that I mattered to this universe of his right there and then. Then a girl walked over.
Noel looked at her and then at me. She was gorgeous. I mean she was a British man's dream I assume. She was about 5'9" blond hair and legs that went to her ears. She was wearing black leather boots that zipped up her thigh. She sat down on Noel's lap and looked at me. I looked back at her and mouthed the words, "Slut". She shrugged her shoulders and said, "That's the name of the game honey. Better luck next time." She was my competition for Noel's affection. She stole my man! I was defeated for Noel's attention and went back to Gem and Andy Bell to be consoled.
Free Shows For People Who Like Free Shows
I am putting some links here for people who want to download some mp3's of bands. I don't know how to use flac or bittorent yet so if anyone has some quick pointers they would be much appreciated. I.e. - How the hell do you open and play a .flac or .bit file. or for that matter .ogg and .shn and whatever else these crazy kids are using.
Wilco - Live at the Filmore - 11 - 17
Interpol - Live at Lille - 11- 24
24 = Violence = Always Has Been There
Ali and I were sitting around watching 24 last night. Why do I watch 24 you ask? Well first off it's the only real steady social engagement I have every week. Ali comes over, Eric comes over, Jenkfest comes down stairs, and even John comes down to the living room and while John, Eric and I make fun of this ridiculous show the other two just sit there going "Shhh", "Bret seriously! Shhhh!". I laugh and then throw out my guy in a mexican voice saying:
What was I getting at with Ali and 24? Oh yeah - this guy comes to the door and peeks his head in. He doesn't knock or anything and I'm thinking man we are going to rumble. I didn't catch a full face so I figured it was either someone's boyfriend coming to make issues or maybe some guy that we pissed off at a bar or who knows. The point is I jumped off the couch and ran to the door ready to rock someone in the teeth. Sadly enough it was our neighbor stopping by to get a package. I was really looking forward to a fight or a confrontation.
Then I tried to explain it to Ali, as it was only her and I watching last night and everyone else was at their parents house for Birthday, surgery recovery, booze...whatever...but I tried to explain to her that killing someone is a fantasy I have always had. It's crazy I know but I am really sure I would be a great hit man. Tim has always said that he would be a good hit man and I think that's true but I think him and I share the same kind of moral ambiguity when it comes to people. I would tend to be a little more passionate about kills but at the same time just as separated emotionally. The difference might be that I would torture someone if he eye balled me instead of just shooting him in the head, dropping the gun and then boarding a fast moving southbound car with suicide doors.
Anyway - Ali found it despicable. I found it interesting because I was serious. I think if there was a war I would be really excited to go. I think if someone ever hurt my Mom or wife I would not be hesitant to cause serious and irreparable pain to his person. I wrote this poem a while ago while I was in Korea - it was the day after I got into a fight with some guys who didn't like that I was American and dating a Korean girl -
Maybe you didn't notice
My hand rising
To meet your face
The slap will wake you up
When you denounced my God
You slept with my wife
And cursed my mother
This is the rage in me
As I feel your flesh tear
Under the weight of my light knuckles
I stand hurdled over you
Screaming my beliefs into blank blood
Explaining the actions to your possible carcass
As the sweat mixes with blood
Such a sweet cool taste
As if I were running tirelessly
With perspiration on my back in the early fall
The potion drips down off my dangling fist
I pick you up by the collar
Scream and breathe in the night
Born again as a child to the wolf
Tossin and Turnin
I didn't sleep well last night. I had the same dream, or I guess a continuance of a dream 4 times. Despite having woken up 3 times and on the second time actually going down stairs to drink milk I returned to bed only to have the same damn dream. The last time I woke up I begged my own head not to dream it anymore but it didn't listen as I woke up again turned to my side and threw up all over the floor. It was really insane that I just woke up and vomited. I got most of it onto a bare spot but my little throw rug took a beating. I'm not going into what the dream was, but I find it very strange that the same theme was there throughout 4 different interruptions of sleep. If that dream returns again tonight I don't know what I will do.
Lullabye For a Girl
Are you lonely? Has winter gone so slowly? We found the ground and that damage was done. It's cold as you fade into the sun. Where'd you go? To me? But you're alive.
Well, it's only fallen frames of camera's past. You stand out, it's so loud. And so what if it is? It's cold as you face into the wind. Where'd it go to? Tonight the sun shall see its light
So what if you catch me, where would we land? In somebody's life while taking your hands. Sing to me hope as you have thrown on the sand to all of your work. All of yoru thoughts are racing again. Where to go ?
And you were somehow the one thing I could allow. But it's all wrong. And this life and work and choice took far too long. Where'd it go? When I was sure you'd follow through. My world was turned to blue so thin. When you'd hide life your songs would die. So I'd hide yours with mine. And all my words were bound to fail. I know you won't fail. See, I can tell.
Letting something of hope go is easier than letting go of something with substance. It's that way for most people but it's not that way for me. I live in the ideal. When I see the ideal I tend to run after it. When I see flaws in actual substance I will abandon it in exchange for the dream. I'm a dream runner.
I run after dreams through broken glass, hot lava or naked with acid rain coming down on all sides. Because brown eyes haunt me and when haunted I tend to keep running after the image until I can't even see what I'm running after anymore. I run until I'm out of breath and bleeding. I have no problem holding onto the ideal because that's my life. I will force situations to see what I am made of and what I as a man can do or can handle.
I'll keep chasing and I'll keep crying. I'll never stop because it's not dead in me. It has to become real for it to become dead.
Sam and Dave
Not many people know about Sam and Dave or they get them confused with other groups/artists of the Motown era such as the Temptations, Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, Persey Sledge, etc... Every cheesy ass white person who says they like soul music always get these acts confused. But, I don't think anyone ever talks about Sam and Dave like they should be talked about.
The first run in with them for most of us 20 something's had was in the movie The Blues Brothers when the song "Hold on I'm Comin" was played during the shopping mall scene and when "Sooth Me" played on their way to Bob's Country bunker and at the end when they were introduced to "I'm a Soul Man"...all were Sam and Dave songs but most people would have said, "Wilson Picket or Ben E King".
Sam and Dave recorded and helped to start the careers of Otis Redding, Isaac Hayes, Sam Cooke, and helped to start Atlantic records under Stax label enough for them to let go of Little Richard and bring in more risque acts. The Memphis Horns and Booker t and the MG's backed them. Most of these other bands you have heard of but I am always shocked that no one knows of Sam and Dave. Granted, it's a silly name but I recommend you go get yourself some Sam and Dave to legitimize your soul collection.
Anyway, since today I'm listening to all my soul records (not cds) and thought I would write about Sam and Dave.
Upon Further Examination of Love
Who is anyone else to demand or feel it is owed to him or her to fall in love?
What sort of people blinds themselves with the idea of natural goodness only to come to the harsh reality that love is work?
Love is dependency to function. What does that mean? Well it means that people have patterns and living in a pattern is easier than living without one. Being in love makes it easy to stay in a place that you think is love. Because trying to find a new place to find love is more difficult than staying in "make believe" love land. Maybe for a few brief "Haven't gotten to really know your pheromone smell" years love is passion and pain and happiness. But after a while most people are too comfortable with the pattern of life to ever consider breaking it. It's only when a variable that calls for a break arrives and a moral downfall comes about that love breaks apart.
Who is anyone to believe that their love will come back to them?
Who is anyone to try and hang on in purgatory forever?
We hang on because it's easier than moving on. It's easier to judge than to except new things. It makes things simple when you try and compare everyone. It allows you never to get close to anything. It let's you sit and hope instead of getting up and living.
I love a girl. Actually, I love two girls and I can never be with either of them. One left me for another man and the other has an agenda that I don't fit into. These are not bad things. I am doing what I must in terms of dealing with them. Why have I not moved on? That's easy. I'm a better person because I know them and yet don't anymore. What does this have to do with the post? I don't know. I guess it's just informing you that I don't follow my instincts. Moving on is hard. Changing directions take courage. Staying the same takes none.
I can talk to one for hours like I have never talked to anyone in my life. I can picture her sitting there on the other side of the conversation chatting away with me as if we were splitting French toast. I fall in love with her over and over everyday. I love her more than anything I know. The other one brings back memories and dreams. When you were really good at life and hopeful with the future, you tend to attach things to that time period. I was never better as a person in my entire life than the time I spent with her. You want to know why I won't shut up about her. Because I was golden once in my life and she was the reason.
It's easier to stay in limbo rather than move on. It's easier to reach for the bottle than it is to reach for the broom. Life is hard. Not changing is easy. Love is easy. Love dies and fades. Moving on is courageous and natural. You can make the same argument for not changing and how hard that is. You can make arguments for everything. But what I see more often than not are people never running after what they want. They simply stay where they are and accept their watered down dreams.
100 and then Some Thing about Me
100 things about me: Hell why not? I haven't really planned this and don't know if there are a 100 things about me that are even interesting. I'm sure I'll find something...
1. I like to write in list form because that's the way my mind thinks.
2. I secretly carry a list of albums I want to buy in my wallet and have been known to spin off the road writing down names of bands.
3. I have won a national championship playing baseball.
4. I'm a sucker for watches and shoes.
5. I prefer a 55$ filet from Aldo's more than any other meal in the world.
6. I prefer the 40$ stuffed veal chop from Boccacio's second.
7. I hated Jameson when I first started to drink it.
8. I could, at one time, bench press 350 pounds (yeah short arms)
9. I'm a good problem solver.
10. I didn't start drinking until I was 22.
11. I had only slept with 2 women until I was 22.
12. I am an above average poker player.
13. Nick Hammonds is my oldest friend (since 5 kid).
14. I love all my friends even though I am very little like them.
15. I enjoy chewing tobacco once or twice a week as a means to an end.
16. I was rich once.
17. I am poor now.
18. My IQ is 155 (seriously - I don't know how either)
19. I have only said "I love you" to two people not counting family or friends.
20. I don't sucker women into sex, contrary to popular demand.
21. I have a desire to own one of the best t-shirt collections in the world.
22. I want a wife.
23. I have really small hands.
24. I am moody and unpredictable.
25. I can easily drink 15 drinks and hit a baseball.
26. My favorite years of my life were 22 and 19.
27. I would like to design organic autonomous learning content and systems that change the way people learn.
28. I am shy.
29. I am not shy most of the time.
30. If I don't have the spotlight I get angry.
31. People ask for my advice because they know I won't shoot them anyway but straight.
32. Tissot's "Hide and Seek" is my favorite painting.
33. I have only read about 75% of the books in my room.
34. I love board games.
35. I don't like chocolate.
36. I like raw oysters but not any other kind of seafood.
37. Bud Bottles are my beer of choice.
38. I know way to many bartenders.
39. I want to one day write a good book, or at the least, a poem I can be proud of.
40. I am a very jealous person and I have a tendency to exaggerate and lie.
41. I am arrogant when I become jealous or confrontational.
42. I am a good flirt.
43. My favorite piece of clothing in the world are Clark Wallabies followed a close second by my Yankee Rebel t-shirt.
44. I don't like when girls grab my Yankee Rebel t-shirt and wear it without asking.
45. I tend to wear the same pants 2 or 3 days in a row.
46. My eyes change color with the weather.
47. I love way to many different bands to single one out as a favorite.
48. I'm lying - you can throw on Oasis any time and I'll vouch.
49. I would pay 50 thousand dollars to have Noel Gallagher play at my 30th birthday party.
This is tough -
50. I like gum. I have never turned down gum in my life.
51. I started smoking at age 15 and yes I was sucking down pfunks even back then.
52. I put Coldplay on the map, well, in the DC area.
53. I have easily scene over a 1000 concerts.
54. I have over 1000 cd's.
55. My favorite book is Animal Farm by George Orwell.
56. My favorite color is Green.
57. My favorite activity is sex.
58. I don't want to have sex again unless I'm in love.
59. I have a hard time keeping in touch with friends.
60. I answer my phone about 10% of the time.
61. I have a tendency to crack my neck, chew my finger nails, and stretch in public.
62. I know the following program languages: HTML, XML, XSLT, ASP, ColdFusion, JSP
63. I lived in Korea for a year teaching little kids English.
64. I have been to 10 different countries.
65. I miss having a car.
66. My favorite fabric is suede.
67. I can do 20 chin-ups.
68. I love hats - shit I'm a goddamn fop.
69. My 18th century British literature class in college was what turned me on to books.
70. I attended roughly 1/5 of my classes in college and graduated with a 3.6.
71. I was a part of the Internet boom of 97-00
72. I don't give myself nearly enough credit, mainly because I fish for compliments.
73. I know every song on the radio, yes, even country.
74. My Mom is my idol.
75. I cry way too much about my dad and girls and feeling guilty.
76. I am really good at shuffle board (not the shit on boats)
77. Neighborhood kids weren't allowed to play with me because I cursed too much.
78. I am the youngest of all my childhood neighborhood friends.
79. I have a tattoo of a mustang on my chest and Tim drew it. I get mixed reviews but I love it.
80. I have a tendency to stand on bar stools and drop 200 dollars on a tab at the drop of a hat.
81. I know how to have a good time.
82. I have never slept with a woman over 30.
83. I have never slept with a girl under 18 (ok that includes like when I was 16 and stuff)
84. I was a virgin when I went to college.
85. My first car was an 89' Cavalier RS and I loved it.
86. My favorite job of all time was lifting dry wall when I was 18.
87. My least favorite job was selling computers at CompUSA.
88. I have only had one long-term relationship in my entire life and it has ruined me for all others.
89. My feet get really cold when I sleep.
90. In order my pick of women - (no joke) busty brunette women from a southern European country, Asian women, Jewish women, South American women - that's it
91. I don't date
92. I cannot name all the girls I slept with
93. I don't hang out with some of the people I love the most because loving someone means you can fall back into a fold and not miss a beat.
94. I love to gamble. LOVE TO GAMBLE!
95. I can read a racing program at the horse track and tell you anything you want to know.
96. I used to handicap races when I was in 9th grade.
97. I'm a sucker for loud women who want to be noticed.
98. I'm a sucker for Karaoke when I'm drunk and with people I know.
99. I have never purchased a drug.
100. I love living in Baltimore.
101. I typed this list by copying and pasting 1,2,3,-0 and didn't even look and hit it right on the nose
Ok actually once you get rolling you can keep going forever -
102. I love Rottweilers and I have had 2 (Hunter and Titan)
103. I don't like cats.
104. I don't get upset when people or animals die.
105. I thought we had it coming to us on 9/11
106. I believe our country is messed up beyond repair. How's Canada in August?
107. My favorite season is fall.
108. I can watch 9 innings of baseball between the Mariners and Angels and not blink an eye
109. When I was little I used to drink a glass of milk every time Cal Ripken came to bat.
110. I have more stories than anyone I know.
111. I don't like to listen to other people's stories.
112. 10 is my favorite number.
113. I can drink a reverse car bomb.
114. I have been in 5 weddings.
115. Choosing my best man and wedding party will be impossible.
116. I miss Craig.
117. Shit I miss a lot of people.
118. My friends are my family.
119. I don't give my friends the respect they deserve nearly enough.
120. I am a godfather.
ok ok ok that's enough...
Pandora Song List
Amazon Wish List
Revolutionary Wealth - Tofflers
Things Making Me Smile
Listening - [out of 5]
Benjy Ferree - 4.8
The Thermals 3.1
David Gray 3.8
Like the guy with the beard? YES - like the guy with the beers. What? Yep
Bands That I Check Schedules For
Badly Drawn Boy
Belle and Sebastian
The Black Keys
Drive By Truckers
Mark Hopkins Band
Iron and Wine
Mates of State
Two if By Sea
Places I Rock in the Flesh
The Knitting Factory
The Otto Bar
Places I Eat/Drink in the Flesh
Cross Street Market
No Way Jose
The Irish Pub
The Waterfront Hotel
My Greatest Hits (that's so lame)
The time I almost killed a child
July 4th in Korea
Excerpts from Demian
Why I screen phone calls
Bret's Death Metal Report
A conversation at a cocktail party
A conversation at breakfast
So you think you are a Baltimorian
A conversation about a girl singer
Observations from a bar
Observations of strippers
Why I love Oasis
I would go to war
"You Son of a Bitch" An Open Letter to Tom Friend
Dance to Your Ocean
When men become pussies
Jason Whitlock is a racist propaganda promoter
Pitchfork takes music snobbery to new level
The Cosmic Clash of the Red Sox and Cubs
The Hatred that is Runts Candy
Starting corporate line-up
Do you know me? List 1 / List 2 / List 3
The Night I Burned Philly Down
So You Want to be a Booze Hound
She Said it was Free
Funniest Corporate Story Ever
Striped Shirts and the Fucks that Wear Them
Pieces of Morning
Oasis Album Revew
The Art of Tipping
Starting Fires With Grass Stains
Bret's Federal Hill Food Review
Sexcapades and your Picture on the Internet
Stupid Secrets the Return
Stuff I Swing By From Time to Time
Indie Video Archive
Large Hearted Boy
Pitch Fork Media
Scenestars MP3 Blogs
Sound Garden Baltimore
Angry Little Girls
Junior Varsity Meat Market
Baltimore City Paper
The Baltimore Sun
Villa Julie College Baseball
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